“elf” (a tale of rejection and obsession)

once there was a would-be elf
assured of certain skill
who went to meet with Santa
convinced he’d fit the bill

but close examination
revealed him something less
his heart lacked Christmas spirit
he seemed to self-obsess

and so he was rejected
his dreams then turned awry
“you’ll regret this meeting”
the would-be elf did cry

consumed by all his anger
he spoiled for a fight
went upon the internet
and started his own site

he called it “Save Our Christmas”
its goal: to educate
to tell the world how Santa
spreads nothing more than hate

this message needed crafting
but he could pick and choose
selecting from misfortune
he knew just what to use

the innocent, the children
who never got a toy
the well-deserving parents
who knew no Christmas joy

the roofs destroyed by reindeer
the chimneys cracked in half
the false alarm dispatches
ensued by Santa’s laugh

he wrote about it all
but no one seemed to care
the truth, he then determined
was really quite unfair

to remedy this problem
he stretched the facts a bit
till the tales he wished to tell
within his half-truths fit

he claimed discrimination
upon religious grounds
and said the Constitution
rules Santa out of bounds

a proselytizing process
he thought was under way
but as for all the details
he really couldn’t say

conspiracies and theories
thereafter he’d explain
each so exaggerated
it seemed he’d gone insane

everything was Santa’s fault
Kris Kringle caused it all
the evil rise of Hitler
the ancient Roman fall

and once he even claimed
the reindeer and the sled
were cause for global warming
stating we would soon be dead

finally, he got the wish
he’d first sought all along
yet, it seems, in one respect
his plan has gone quite wrong

true, at last, he is an “elf”
and some say doing well
though he makes his Christmas toys
from in a padded cell


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