lost

I.

 

the inner workings of my mind

at last have failed me

there is no explanation for my pain

no drug, no counsel that can save me

 

from this, there is no recovery

and I perish

a hapless prisoner of thoughts I conceived

in misguided attempts to soothe my soul

 

forgive me my Lord, I mean not

disrespect in death

but I am now so lost by my own hand

as to imagine I cause you anguish

 

Heaven, rescue me in my fall

I will serve you better

in another form, another life

if I be given opportunity

 

and save my friends, my family

from tears for my passing

they know not the loss would be to live

if I cannot live to bring you joy

 

 

II.

 

pitiful creature, tell me

did I create you?

give you life to have it rejected

with excuses laid at my own gates?

 

what presumptuous liberty

you take in your act

assuming I cannot bear the weight

of the petty suffering you endure

 

do you not recognize me?

I am your family

whose unnecessary tears fall without end

for all who would condemn their own soul

 

wake from your foolish self-absorption

let your fiery speech

consume the wounded phoenix within you

and your soul rise quickly from its ashes

 

none but fools pray for their next life

lest there be no next

for your journey requires this trial

you serve none in your flight from its pain  

 

 

III.

 

what? Is it the devil himself

who speaks so harshly?

where is your forgiveness in these words?

do I not deserve the whole of your love?

 

no doubt you can carry my burden

with the greatest of ease

does that make my pain any less to me?

none in my family would speak so

 

my only sin is weakness

of mind, of heart

and I alone cannot be blamed for this

as it is a congenital defect

 

I seek nothing from you but love

and you chastise me?

why create such a “pitiful creature”?

what cause moved your hand to my creation?

 

who is the fool in this adventure?

the helpless child

or the Almighty parent who reared him?

dare I say, “Look onto thyself” to God? 

 

 

IV.

 

sadness, not anguish, do you bring

with your rebuke

no further interference shall you receive

from your quest for eternity’s sleep

 

but know first from what you suffer

was not born within

some unseen master plan of Heaven

nor my ambition for any soul created

 

you were made by experience

a child of free will

who chose love, but had not yet obtained it

who chose wisdom, but had not yet found it

 

in life, your path was my pride

your journey, my joy

each now taken from me by your own hand

as is the priceless soul they would have spawned

 

as for forgiveness, I dare not say

you take more than you know

your loss of faith is of such a magnitude

it is a wonder we are not both lost

 

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